Some Thoughts on Romance
We all want it, and yet we all wonder what to do with it once we get it.
There's this little niggling feeling that we want something so amazing that it's almost an impossibility. We want a love that will last forever. A friend once told me, "Forever isn't that long." But if you think about it, it is. And sometimes you wonder why it takes so long for the enxt one to come along. We are in love with the idea of love itself.
It's almost been a year since we broke up. Like I said, strange patterns - last year, at around this time, I was also away from the city, writing. He was also the one who fetched me from the airport. This time around, when I asked the same favor from him, he said, "Yes, but only because you mean that much to me. That means no dramatics." It was a funny deal, but I agreed. I suppose that means that he realizes it, too.
Before, I used to think that I had closed to book on us. It ended with him falling in love with another man, and me living alone. Somehow, in my mind, I had hammered the first nail on the coffin of spinsterhood. After all, I'm not exactly the girl anyone could fall in love with. Everyone looks for the perfect person. I'm just looking for someone who can make me happy. And that's a difficult thing to ask for in a person. And I'm not quite sure that there's someone out there who's willing to give me that.
So here I am, wondering what will happen, wondering if there's someone else who will come along. There's a certain sort of detachment that comes with putting your heart back together - it makes you more cautious, more wary of people. It makes you distrust the very idea of romantic love, as if it were a farce to be played out, our generation's version of Santa Claus. (Pardon me, but I just watched Kate and Leopold.)
But a part of me doesn't want to be like that. I'm still willing to wait, and I'm willing to hope, and maybe all I want is a happy ending for my heart. It's gone beyond just wanting to get over him because I did get over him without getting into a rebound relationship. And I don't want it as an ego boost. I want to see if I can still believe again, if I can actually go through the motions again and see where we went wrong and we went right. i don't want him to be the beginning and the end of all things. There has to be something more than this.
There's this little niggling feeling that we want something so amazing that it's almost an impossibility. We want a love that will last forever. A friend once told me, "Forever isn't that long." But if you think about it, it is. And sometimes you wonder why it takes so long for the enxt one to come along. We are in love with the idea of love itself.
It's almost been a year since we broke up. Like I said, strange patterns - last year, at around this time, I was also away from the city, writing. He was also the one who fetched me from the airport. This time around, when I asked the same favor from him, he said, "Yes, but only because you mean that much to me. That means no dramatics." It was a funny deal, but I agreed. I suppose that means that he realizes it, too.
Before, I used to think that I had closed to book on us. It ended with him falling in love with another man, and me living alone. Somehow, in my mind, I had hammered the first nail on the coffin of spinsterhood. After all, I'm not exactly the girl anyone could fall in love with. Everyone looks for the perfect person. I'm just looking for someone who can make me happy. And that's a difficult thing to ask for in a person. And I'm not quite sure that there's someone out there who's willing to give me that.
So here I am, wondering what will happen, wondering if there's someone else who will come along. There's a certain sort of detachment that comes with putting your heart back together - it makes you more cautious, more wary of people. It makes you distrust the very idea of romantic love, as if it were a farce to be played out, our generation's version of Santa Claus. (Pardon me, but I just watched Kate and Leopold.)
But a part of me doesn't want to be like that. I'm still willing to wait, and I'm willing to hope, and maybe all I want is a happy ending for my heart. It's gone beyond just wanting to get over him because I did get over him without getting into a rebound relationship. And I don't want it as an ego boost. I want to see if I can still believe again, if I can actually go through the motions again and see where we went wrong and we went right. i don't want him to be the beginning and the end of all things. There has to be something more than this.
posted by sundialgirl at 5:34 PM
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